Mood/activities/thoughts: (night) Feeling a bit down and just want to focus on hobbies and healing. Often want to stay alone recently, to do what I enjoy, peacefully, without getting influenced by the outside world. Sometimes it can all be too much stimuli for me. I was once so outgoing, but I realize that I actually need even more time to recharge after being around people. I love seeing the kids for speech, but I get drained at the same time, as if that is my socializing for the day.

Currently using my new laptop received for free. I love it, it’s working perfectly like my Acer laptop. It feels quite sturdy, just no brand, and I’m completely fine with that. I like that it has a micro sd slot, which will allow me to transfer my videos from my camera easily. Here’s how it looks after I changed the wallpaper:

It’s a Windows 10 pro, and actually sells for about $380 with tax, so it’s not just some cheap stuff, it is useful and almost like my acer minus the webcam is pretty sucky. I had returned the other smaller one from end of August as it was slow and unreliable. This one though, is definitely more of the real deal. The screen is perfectly like any other laptop screen, and everything runs smoothly so far. I am going to be using it for all things Tarot and hobbies so I don’t overwork my Acer that I had been using for work and my hobbies (so many open tabs I could now close on that one).

Had a long day at work- 8:30 til a lil after 5 PM. My supervisor observed me and said good things and offered very useful strategies, ideas and advice. I am grateful that she has been here to help me along the way.

Emotionally, I’ve been quite down about my love situation, but still trying to keep my head up and keep up with what makes me happy so I don’t lose myself completely. I feel proud when I continue to be productive through my sadness, so I’m going to try to not let myself down. I wish I could have a true confidant, but I have to trust myself and love myself first and foremost, as tending to others as a priority has always led me to get hurt in the end because I end up carrying their burdens and pain too. My heart is easily broken, easily happy, but the hardest part is balancing my natural happiness with what I do need and want at the same time. I am so independent I don’t need anyone who doesn’t add value in the sense of stability, true care/respect, or security to my life. I think I’ve grown so much in the past year, that I truly see the importance of knowing what I want and what I need to accept/not accept. I hope I can continue pursuing tarot to give others guidance to be able to trust themselves and what is best for them in the long run.

Tarot Card: The Empress, upright

Notes from card: indicator of a committed relationship becoming deeper and more loving and affectionate, nurturing, building on communication, people drawn to you especially those in need of the empathy, compassion, calls you to connect with beauty and bring happiness to your life, supportive lover, sensual committed relationship, new business venture, career right now may be enjoying a boost right now. You may be more creative and passionate than usual

Reflection: I was actually just thinking these few days how I have been trying to cherish my career more, making a difference in the children’s lives that I see. I want Speech to be a positive experience for them, one where they can enjoy and be proud of improving with, rather than a chore, something to look down upon themselves. I see how many parents treat the kids and how they act immature themselves, and then my heart becomes so much softer for the kids, hoping they can find a confidant in me, someone they can trust and look to not to hurt and judge them, or nurture them poorly. I can only hope my work helps and makes them happier overall. I do feel the need to be better in my sessions (I’ve felt this since last week, and have been trying to really be there and present with my kids this year, with activities they will enjoy). Working with middle schoolers was easy for the most part, but somehow I didn’t feel like I was helping much, nor as motivated to make a true difference, I was almost more of a counselor or someone pushing them to do something they did not want to do. It was conflicting with my morals of wanting to be there for them and see them succeed because for that to happen, I also had to work on their goals. With these younger kids, I feel they are excited to see me and actually look forward to what I have planned for them which makes it all the more worth it. I think the Empress card is definitely a focus on my career and tarot hobby more so than love, as I don’t see a deeper commitment offered to me, just a lot more healing to do and a bunch of possibly empty promises once again.