Mood/activities/thoughts: (night) What a tiring, draining day. Starting at 7:55 AM is definitely a noticeable difference, as I used to wake up at 8-9 AM over the summer when I barely had kids to see. I’m not complaining, just noticing a difference. I do like being busy like now more, so I feel I’m making money and also able to support my hobbies. Got a subscription to the Tarot Association last night for about $64 a year. Get to learn more I hope!

Feeling nauseous from too much breakfast, lunch and dinner. Haven’t been eating this much lately, so it’s not healthy for me, and I just feel like I wanna throw it all up (feels heavy and gives me a bad headache). I barely have energy to do my hobbies today, which makes me a bit sad.

A lot of other things to think about that make me sad as well. But on the good news end, my boss just gave me a raise today! I checked my email, thought it was spam, but it was from my boss’ husband (husband of boss does billing) and he said they rarely do this for people in my position (CFY) so I definitely feel recognized and grateful. I know it’s only $3, but it’s definitely the fact that they realized my potential and hard work that makes me feel quite accomplished after these 8 months. Wow, I can’t believe it’s been 8 months of my first real career job, and I already feel like I’ve been working for years. I think it’s the tutoring I do on the side–that’s been 3 years haha. I’m just thankful and feel gratitude for being able to have side jobs that pay well and aren’t hard, as well as a career where my bosses and coworkers support and see my hard work.

Tarot Card: Nine of Swords, upright

Notes on card: stress, anxiety, weighed down by pain, overwhelmed by negativity, not sleeping well, nightmares, unhappy relationship, infidelity, unable to cope, reaching breaking point, but maybe you think things are worse than they truly are..not trusting partner, suspicious, more you stress about potential outcome, the more your overthinking and anxiety pushes away people

Reflection: Very interesting and definitely fitting once I saw it pop out my deck while smooth shuffling. I know I have been holding onto some fears at some times that spiral into negativity altogether, and making the fears reality. As much as I hate to have gone through what I have, I know I can learn from it and use it to empower and motivate me to treat myself right. I want to keep working on my hobbies and career to the best of my abilities, so I can slowly heal my heart’s wounds. I’ve reached breaking points multiple times since last summer, and somehow I’ve managed to push through and get myself into a healthy mindspace. But at times, I feel it’s too much to handle too, and it gets overwhelming when it returns or happens again and again to hurt and haunt me continuously to no end. When the hurt happens so close to each other, I have no room and time to heal before it, let alone heal fully. I have always been gullible and trusted people I love blindly, because my love for them gave me strength to do so. But when I’m at a breaking point and super vulnerable, I wonder who would be there to catch me, and show me that they would be loyal and stick around. Seems like I always get the short end of the stick for giving others unconditional love. but I can’t change that, it’s who I am, and I wouldn’t want to trade it to become someone I’m not nor a selfish lover anyway. I’m just tired of nightmares, pain, and holding in the sadness because everyone would say I’m stupid and need to move on. I wish I could heal too.