Mood/activities/thoughts: (Afternoon) Woke up early and fell back asleep but woke in time for work. I’m sometimes surprised at how well I can put on a facade that I’m enthusiastic and happy with the kids, because once I’m done I lay down and need to recover and drown myself out from the world. I’ve gotten so good at this level of professionalism even on days I have trouble picking myself up from the bottom. Then I worked out a bit, showered, and haven’t eaten still. I just don’t have the appetite. I am trying to take care of myself, but some days are harder than others. I just want to work out, listen to music, do tarot and move towards a happier healthier Steph. This past year has been so hard, and I’ve been pushing away my pain to try to live in the moment, but at night all alone is when I recognize how much pain still lingers within me. Last year on this day, I experienced something immensely traumatic, something I never thought would happen to me. I was wrong. No matter how strong you may perceive yourself to be, some people have manipulation on their mind, and will make you end up feeling like you owe them, in fear, and not be able to stand up for yourself. I’ve grown up so much this year, yet I feel I haven’t gotten rid of all the toxicity I’ve experienced. The nightmares, the pain, feeling alone, it all comes back to haunt me. I wonder to myself whether everything was given to me as a lesson, to continue to make me stronger, and I do mostly believe that is the case. I just get drained and tired realizing that it’s those with the purest forgiving hearts, that always get taken advantage of for their kindness. I never believed it to be a weakness until I saw people returning just to get what they want, and never look to take care of me in return, to give ME the benefit of the doubt. I always liked that I was able to see the bright side, give people the benefit of the doubt… but at times it gets so draining and takes all the energy out of me when people can’t seem to appreciate these things because the compassion and love appear so effortless on my end. At some point, you need to wake up and recognize who is worth giving that to, and who isn’t. If they take and take and never put in the effort to show you that you truly matter and are appreciated, you need to take that kindness and give it to yourself most of all. I could never consciously choose to hurt people I love, behind their back. I wish some people could recognize the effects of their actions on others, and to take sufficient responsibility for them. Karma is a bitch and will get you when you take others’ kindness as weakness. Luckily for me, no matter how much shit I go through, I still believe there are morally good people out there that would not choose whatever’s easiest for them in challenging times that in return hurts others. Just because we experience one, two, three, or a ton of bad events doesn’t mean every human is like that. I just need to focus my energy within and give myself all that I’ve ever wanted from others. Because it’s possible.

Tarot Card: Five of Wands, upright

Notes on Card: fighting to be heard, conflict, disagreements, different opinions, try to be open to change, listen to what others might have to say as they might respect you more too

Reflection: It’s been an ongoing conflict. Within myself as well, because I realize how many problems have not been resolved. A few months with no direct effort with regards to a problem is NOT enough to resolve issues that happened based on consciously chosen deceptive behavior. At this point, I’m not very open to listening to any more excuses or explanations, I just want genuinely felt, tangible effort in actions because talk really is cheap. If I can’t be respected for bringing up something that has hurt me that I DIDN’T choose, there is no true communication or understanding, and honestly I am fine with that now. I can only do so much. If people are committed to misunderstanding you, that is NO longer your problem to deal with. I know who I am, what I stand for, and what I do for others. I don’t need anyone who puts in half-assed effort to get every part of me. I want to be heard, yes, but honestly if the result is that they will choose their own assumptions and fears, there’s nothing else I need to do but focus my energy within, so I don’t lose myself further trying to cater to others’ wants. Others’ burdens are NOT yours to carry, and I need to understand that I can’t “Fix” or help someone who doesn’t consciously choose what’s healthy after seeing the messed up results from previous actions.