Mood/activities/thoughts: (evening) Today has just been a lot of weird feeling tired and headaches. I worked twice and then my headache was making me explode. I called a few parents, then I ate lunch and had to nap before I fainted. I still feel a bad headache making me especially lethargic, but I’m going to try to do some hobbies. I only called about 6 parents, so I’ve got another 24 to go. Hopefully I can get it done tomorrow and Wednesday. The staff member at my school got covid from a family member unfortunately, so we have fully remote services until October at least. That gives me another month at home. I’m thankful for that, but obviously it shows how crazy covid still is and how easily it is to continue the spread if safety precautions aren’t taken seriously.
(1.5 hrs later) OOPS, I just got carried away looking into my new SONY camera I was gifted. Very pleased with it for the most part- the only thing that would make it 5 star? Wifi function! It would mean everything to be able to use it for live streaming, but it’s alright since I can use it to make very nice videos and I probably won’t even be good or confident enough to stream til months later. I feel good overall, but emotionally I guess I feel the need to tread carefully although my heart feels loved. I just want to not jump into something so quick that we don’t work out our pain along the way. Forgetting it for now can be a recipe for disaster when challenges come up again. If I am to love, I want it to be fully healthy hereon, or I am afraid it won’t work out in the long run if healing is not taken seriously. While my heart is happy, I know it’s still in pain as well, and trying to block the pain but I sometimes need to confront it to be even better equipped to deal with any unexpected hurtful actions.

Tarot Card: Page of Cups, upright

Notes on card: relying on feelings and intuition for action, INFP, inspiring, trust things, go with the flow, and you’ll discover more and more, unexpected, pleasant surprises, love feels novel, newfound appreciation for the new things learned about partner, creatively inspired, need to put into action however, don’t just dream, believe in it, embrace your inner child, being asked to explore your creative emotional self

Reflection: At first the King of cups upright/reversed jumped out onto the floor but I didn’t believe in taking that one because I wasn’t focused on completing the shuffle yet. Then the page of cups at one point jumped out with another (didn’t turn over). I still continued to shuffle. I finally picked up a card when I felt ready, and it was, to my surprise, the Page of cups again. So I took it. It was meant to be.
I can see how I do always rely on intuition and feelings. I was so set on working out things using my head, logic, etc. Then my natural state of optimism comes out again and I can’t even hold a straight face for more than two hours. It was exhausting to be “stern” and “expressionless” , it just isn’t me. I let things go, and followed my intuition and who I truly am instead. I think by being myself, and letting others be themselves, I’ve learned to appreciate others more. I found new things I love about him, and felt safe. Still, I know deep within there is still pain, so I must go at it carefully if I want it to last. I am going to keep putting work into my hobbies and also trying my best to be honest with myself and others so that I don’t become someone I’m not. I cannot choose who my heart loves, but I can and want to choose how I act so that I’m proud of myself. I know I can make it happen so long as I take care of myself, and not ignore what needs to be addressed. I’m excited to start this new journey.