Mood/activities/thoughts: (afternoon) Just talked on the phone with a therapist who will be taking over one of my previous schools. So lucky they are all remote. The phone call…was almost 3 hours. While I love helping others, that call drained me so much. I didn’t expect that long of a call to ask me questions…after all I’m still new to all this (only 7-8 months into my CF) and she has more experience. But, she was thankful and appreciative so I guess that helps..just got so exhausted from it and now I have barely any energy to even focus on my hobbies/working out, when that’s all I wanted to do since 11 🙁 It’s 2:30 PM now. I will work out and do hobbies until my 4:30 job I suppose. I just wish I got a chance to also go out and bike :/. I also received some packages but for the first time, they sent me the wrong thing!! Four pouches instead of my pvc cards, jeez. What a mess. Really hope they send me them without me needing to return the randomness they sent!
Feeling pretty down emotionally. Just wish I wasn’t another learning experience, but for once the final destination and happiness. I can’t turn back time, or force someone to treat me right a million times. One year has passed, and I feel like the amount of pain has overshadowed what true happiness should bring, because that pain comes from the most basic needs…trust, honesty, and respect. Without those, I don’t know how there could be true happiness, everything is just a facade in front of me, and I never know what’s going on behind my back. How does one live in peace, or happily like that? I don’t want to keep fighting alone, just to get more disrespect and people who claim they care but can’t show it. Why can’t you be ready for me now? How many more chances are needed before I lose all of me to support your growth? I think I finally understand that if consistent problems and toxic patterns are not worked on, there is no way to truly move toward happiness. I have to accept it and do what’s best for me, no matter how much I love someone and how much hope I try to save. Because more than love, what matters most is respect, trust, and honesty to keep a connection long-lasting and truly healthy. At this time, I can only focus on healing, removing the pain/burdens that have been put on me to make me feel so much less than who I truly am.

Tarot Card: The Hanged Man, upright

Notes on card: making needless sacrifices for love,  returning with a clearer understanding of what it is you expect from relationships, slowdown in your love life recently, considering new perspectives, ready to take action or make changes in your love life accordingly, sacrifices in career haven’t really been yielding results, stalling, fear of sacrifice, impulsive, negative patterns, detachment, discontent,  repeating the same negative relationship patterns over and over without learning from mistakes, holding onto a relationship out of fear of being alone or starting over

Reflection: It all feels like a karmic lesson for both of us. Me, for not repeating the same mistakes of sacrificing my needs for love, and them for not letting go of previous hurt before starting. I wish this wasn’t the case, I really do. But feelings of hopefulness, love, and choosing heart over mind…all of that told myself to take that leap. Trusting and giving others the benefit of the doubt, I suppose that doesn’t truly work out in the long run when the pain isn’t something small. I feel like the negative patterns never went away, because there was no time to work on them without my presence, so they never “had” to really reflect and become healthier. I am so drained of my energy, I just want to focus on my healing and becoming my best self, not hating or hurting myself further for choosing what hurt me. I thought that loving someone more, forgiving them would make them want to become better, but it’s no longer up to me, their choices are theirs and I know my morals would never allow me to hurt them to the degree they easily do so to me. Maybe I just need a break from love, and to learn more practical things in life before getting emotionally involved so quickly just to get hurt and people who aren’t ready for the depths of true love.