Mood/activities/thoughts: (afternoon) Knowing when to let things go and stop fighting can help you eventually realize what really needs to be fought. I’m talking about our demons inside, old negative patterns of thinking and behaving, and pain that we need to release before it burdens those we love. I see parts of me I don’t like that are coming up, and I’m aware of how it spirals downward when it isn’t taken into consideration. I see unhealthy patterns that influenced it as well, and continue to influence it if I don’t make the decision to stop the toxicity. Love isn’t just about sticking together, but making real efforts to remove toxicity so that a healthy connection could be established. It’s about knowing what is real and what is just unhealthy attachment. True love and care helps you recognize your issues that need to be worked on so that only healthy ways of interacting and connecting result. Despite arguments that are inevitable here and there, the healthy patterns will still move people forward in arguments. I’m at a point where I no longer want to convince others of letting go of fears and toxicity that they don’t want to. I’ve shown my morals, my care, and my willingness to look past their behaviors and hurtful actions. If I cannot get the same when my actions have not been unhealthy, then I don’t think I should disrespect myself to the point of getting nowhere. If I am continuously misunderstood despite my efforts and actions that show otherwise, then it no longer serves my highest good, and does not help me grow as a person healthily. I was not born to have someone push me down because they refuse to work on their issues unrelated to me.

Tarot Card: Death, upright

Notes on card: holding onto something no longer working,  clinging to old patterns, change will happen whether you resist it or not, deep seated issues, don’t let fear be the reason you’re holding on, if willing to embrace the transformation and really want the relationship to survive because you love each other then it will work, don’t get too dependent on anything that is not working for you, sudden drop in income or loss of money, embrace changes by changing your attitude

Reflection: Very fitting. Very cool card from the Everyday Witch Tarot as well! Very mysterious yet obvious at the same time. I know deep in my heart that there is change needed, but I decided to go with it and stay earlier because I wanted to believe and trust someone instead of myself for once. Maybe my intuition isn’t always right, I told myself. But in the end, the problems and past patterns are still there and very evident. In tough times, you see how someone really views you, there is no “I didn’t mean to” because the truth reveals itself. Even if not in action, it’s in the words, thoughts, and perspectives, that are so unhealthy for me and us. I don’t want to continue believing things are fine when, if I feel down, I only have myself. I have to stop tending to others to the point where they take me for granted, and I’m alone when I need someone the most. I try to put effort into understanding others, hoping they could see the strength and appreciate it after the fact. Instead, they end up thinking that they didn’t do wrong and easily mistreat me when challenges come again, used to getting what they want and need. I’m tired of being the only one trusting and working on understanding people, situations, and reasons, and not getting close to it in return. Being vulnerable and honest was not helpful and I was taken advantage of. The right people would not use my vulnerability and openness against me and define me in a negative way. That is shallow and selfish. I do not have room for those who only take and do not appreciate my sacrifices that took a lot of strength to make in the first place. It’s wrong to lead me into something you said you wanted, just to have me work on it alone. I am drained, emotionally and soulfully, and deep within I know I have only given with love in my heart. But now I need to love myself before I lose it all to those who would do anything just to keep taking. I have no room for selfish souls, there is nothing practical or loving to offer me, just hindrance to my personal development and growth. Those who truly care for my happiness would never want to play that role in my life.