mood/activities/thoughts: (night) Woke up a bit later than usual, after a ton of different dreams. Felt like I was in some other world, not wanting to wake up and deal with reality. But I eventually got up, did some hobbies, and then worked on my elementary school teacher’s surprise birthday party. Got balloons,tablecloths, packed other things, and finished her card. It turned out really nicely!!! Well except getting 4 mosquito bites (in the last 20 minutes, not even the first hour). She was happy and we all listened to her stories and talked. It reminds me to enjoy the simple things in life, and how much it means to make someone else feel special. I loved spending the time with elementary school friends I admire and love, and a teacher who was so supportive throughout my elementary school days. Here’s a picture of our little birthday surprise picnic:

Overall successful and a great evening spent with great people at a park we all love. As down as I have been feeling, I sometimes get a glimpse of hope just seeing the interactions between other people. Our teacher’s relationship with her husband is not only loving and caring, but so understanding of each other. That is something I truly wish for as well. I hope to continue on with my hobbies and become successful in the meantime.

Tarot Card: Five of Swords, upright

Notes on card: arguments, conflict, stress, not everything is well even though the battle is already over, on the road to isolation because of hurt or hurting others, you think you’ve won but in the end still lost, believed in being right rather than appreciating and understanding, need to be more considerate, let go of ego

Reflection: Huh. I try to focus on the things done during the day or happy things, and the cards just want to pry into how I’m deeply feeling. Well, at least it doesn’t sugarcoat. Anyway, trying to be understanding of others all the time without their understanding towards my needs and wants can get draining. I’ve learned to let go of asking for things and in the process, I’ve isolated myself so I could grow healthier again without letting others’ views hurt me. I think this is my typical response pattern..to let go of the sharing of what I want and need, and to just let things happen without attaching anxiously. I recognize that it doesn’t help the situation at all when someone doesn’t want to/can’t do what I deem important in a connection, so I end up not doing anything anymore, taking away my energy as well. I know the pain will be here for a long while, but I’m trying to be strong and find ways to productively work past my hurt, so that I can confidently remember that others’ view of me do not define who I truly am.