Mood/activities/thoughts: (night) Worked a bit until the afternoon today. Then I went to give in my billing in the city. It took so long, that I knew I had to treat myself after to the crystal/stones store. I was so excited and probably stayed there for over 45 minutes haha. I checked out a lot of different stones, but my favorite spot is the back area where there are smaller stones, pebbles, and geodes/ agate point stones. When I make more money, I’m definitely coming back for a HUGE piece for my future home! Here’s a picture of my new babies :))

They honestly make me feel so calm and happy. I’m glad I have something I love collecting. My table for tarot readings will look and feel so amazing.
Also, some pictures from this past weekend and the beauty of nature!!

I love enjoying things by myself, and also in good company. This weekend and today was just that. Best part of today has to be the stones hehe 🙂
Feeling okay otherwise, I just don’t want to be “waiting” anymore, I want to move on with returning to myself and being able to have hope. I often give others the benefit of the doubt, yet I feel I don’t assert myself enough, that it ends in allowing others to see me negatively/ through their own pain. I wish I was stronger to not allow that..it just shows that putting myself out there for someone just hurts me in the end. Why can’t someone try to ever understand me as my own person, rather than through their own burdened lens. I’m definitely trying my best to forward my hobbies, and focus on my self growth. I hope that this will help me regain my sense of self that people sometimes take away. I need to remember that others’ view of me does not define me, and respect myself enough to not let toxicity and negativity break me even if I get disappointed. I don’t want to focus on others because I really don’t know what is worth it anymore.
Update (2 hours later): Heart feels like its continuously being stabbed, and ripped into pieces at the same time. Almost numb. Emotionally and mentally investing in someone just to have them lie and go behind your back to stab it some more when you needed them the most. I want to just sleep and not have to wake up and deal with this reality. I had so much hope, so much love, so much patience, but all that happens is it gets taken advantage of. I wonder why it is so hard for someone to just treat me right, to just admit and work on our problems together, to say they are leaving before inserting random new people into what we built. I thought it was special enough to hold up to that kind of threat and painful risk. I thought our love was finally strong enough to not have to go through that same pain after 4 times. But it wasn’t. Why can’t someone show me that this (me and us) truly matters most to them, before going off to find validation from others. That is betrayal I could never get myself to do to someone I love. I never found it easy to leave someone, I’d always work on it, for the better of myself and therefore the relationship. Yet, I am always left out in the cold to do so alone, without the person I need the most by my side. I always have to live the pain alone, because the people I try to work for are the people who continue to cause that pain, selfishly. I come out stronger just to be knocked down again, ending up alone once again. I wish someone cared enough to just treat me right even during arguments, I wish they understood my side for once, that that is when I need their love the most. That is when they need to stay and show me even more that they wouldn’t leave.

Tarot Card: The Tower, upright

Notes from card: sudden change, disaster, trauma, chaos, HAS to happen for renewal and balance, clearing out the old to let new come in, change is needed, doesn’t have to be bad, old ways no longer work, keep temper in check, control yourself, time to open a communication to clear misunderstandings, breakup, foundations were weak so not working anymore, relationship was so important to your identity– took pride in being a good partner and therefore stayed even while you were not happy, job loss, new boss, loss of resources, beware of funding/finances

Reflection: I am drained and left with no energy. I feel stripped of everything. I chose someone, and that was it. I stayed even when I was unhappy. I tried to make myself happy again, just to find out I was doing it alone. If you’re so focused on someone else leaving , you will never do what is needed to be stronger and develop stronger, decent ways to cope with pain and stress that won’t hurt exactly what you say you want. I want happiness, and I won’t let myself hurt others to get there. I need to get past the pain and become whole again. I wish you would do the same for me.