Mood/activities/thoughts: (night) Making some candles now after coming home from a long afternoon of biking with my friend and her sister at central park. It was tough, and we all struggled. We were at different paces a few times. Suddenly halfway through, my friend falls off the bike 🙁 I had stopped ahead just to make sure she was behind me (it was a steep curve) and I looked back and saw someone fall hard. I didn’t know that was her until she called me and I ran back to see. Not good, scabs and bleeding and swelling on face, arms, wrists, hands, and legs. I saw the nearest police car and asked for help. He went to the back and gave me wipes and bandaids as I requested, and said I was lucky because the first aid kit had been empty for the longest time until today. Talk about things meant to be..(the bandaids weren’t very sticky or first-aid like honestly and came off easily) but I appreciated it. After wiping and putting bandaids, she said she couldn’t bike and was in a lot of pain. I went over to the police man again and asked if he could take us back. He said he couldn’t, he would have to call the ambulance. After more pondering and planning, we decided she needed an ambulance as there was no way to bike back. We were just halfway to the bike rental place. However, there was apparently one just two minutes away when we called, so I biked her bike back to that location, and her sister biked to the original location to get her ID back. Good thing we had the receipt and she had her ID! Funny how things work out. The ambulance and another police car come, and we talk about the plan. They were all so helpful, but also weirdly so chill about it all haha. They gave me tips and we chatted about how it is dangerous to bike in the city and you’re not a true new yorker if you haven’t dealt with policemen at central park, ha. Anyway, they take her to the ER and I can’t go, cause I had my bike…so I decided to bike ALL the way there. I get confused a few times, staring at my map, going back and forth (probably wasted 15 min doing that like a dumbass). And then finally made it to the hospital ER. They ended up only letting her sister join her, so I had to go home…AND I forgot the main reason I went other than to make sure she was okay—her gift and birthday card -_- I’m so clumsy sometimes. It was overall a good day, but I felt so bad that she fell/ got all hurt…she was just talking about how she hadn’t ridden a bike in so long..and this happens :(. Man, I’m hoping she is okay. They are just going home now and it’s almost 11 PM. Hoping their family will be okay with it all.

Otherwise, my day was okay- worked with my final two kids for the summer and then went out to get a covid test. I walked there even though they never picked up the phone. Got my test within 10-15 min wait (and signing forms)- the nose swab. It took 2 seconds lol. It was pretty uncomfortable but doable, not exactly painful, just some tearing up after. OH! on my way to the place, there was so much construction on the pavement, so I decided to walk OUTSIDE of the blocked off area, and low and behold, I step and my foot sinks RIGHT INTO THE WET CEMENT. Oh jeez…I try to get AWAY from the mess and I end up stepping my whole foot into what I thought was dry and hard. Well, mistakes happen. I immediately went up to one guy, and told him sorry and that I had messed up, and whether he had some water to wash it off. He wasn’t that surprised weirdly, and said yes, come here. He brought me to a hose and helped me wash it all off (feeling quite muddy and gross though). After going home I had a meeting then went back out to get results and see my friend and her sis. Biking to main st and then biking home from main st today was a success. The trains, a bit annoying, but it all worked out and I met a nice soul along the way willing to help me bring the bike up (but I’m too independent so I said no it’s okay, but towards the top he still helped and I was thankful). I put on the lights in the front and back because it was dark by the time I got to main st. A lot of workout for my legs/thighs today, hoping to do more abs and pushups and squats tomorrow, along with a bit of hobbies. Not sure if I’ll have all the time though. Okay, this was such a long post, I need to see my tarot card. Feelings wise, I feel myself avoiding more pain and talking to others about my situation. I feel like I need to continue to process it and heal alone, I don’t want others’ input either hurting me more, or making me do things I don’t agree with. I think I’ve dealt with pain alone so often that I tend to isolate myself and deal alone since that’s all I’ve been used to. It’s okay though, I need to regain my sense of self anyway.

Here are my candles: (so fun to make, and actually less “needy” than making lip balms!) I use my elementary school rulers cause I don’t wanna spend $10 on a bunch of wick holders (basically just metal with a hole in the middle). My rulers can do three at once,ha;) YAY. Scents: lavender/vanilla/lime and grapefruit/eucalyptus/pine. I love them! But most likely giving them away as gifts for others to enjoy:)

Tarot Card(s): Hermit, upright (AND Tower, upright)
The hermit card popped out straight in place, the tower card fell over to the floor (how fitting is that to their meanings and images?!). When I saw them, I was pulled to take them both, and what do you know..both major arcana cards! Also did I mention how freaking beautiful these two cards are? I knew I liked the Light Seers Tarot after seeing people use it, but wow, I didn’t recall seeing these two cards specifically, I’m in love.

Notes on card (Hermit): introspection, self-reflecting, solitude, withdrawal, seeking knowledge within, contemplating that you need to be alone, making effort to take action that’s aligned with your true self, need to work and look at self before working on romantic relationship, this time feels lonely but  will bring you on the right path to finding a love meant to be, both parties want to think about what is expected and will make things happier, uncomfortable talks that can lead to strong foundation, not feeling fulfilled with job, purely money is not satisfying you for job wants, wanting to search for a purpose instead, realizing money doesn’t buy happiness

Notes on card (Tower): sudden change, disaster, trauma, chaos, HAS to happen for renewal and balance, clearing out the old to let new come in, change is needed, doesn’t have to be bad, old ways no longer work, keep temper in check, control yourself, time to open a communication to clear misunderstandings, breakup, foundations were weak so not working anymore, relationship was so important to your identity– took pride in being a good partner and therefore stayed even while you were not happy, job loss, new boss, loss of resources, beware of funding/finances

Reflection: The girl sitting at the top of the mountain alone feels like my energy, to the max. That’s me. Most of my life has been spent in that state of mind, where I’m alone and reflecting/thinking/processing everything that has experienced. Sometimes, everyday life moves so fast you don’t get a chance to really consider what has happened, and how you’ve grown. I love my alone time because I get that opportunity to make sure I’m still here, and not becoming someone I don’t like or am not proud of. (after seeing card notes): I’m surprised HOW FULLY ACCURATE this reading was. And both cards jumped out, no other card. They are telling me that I am on the right path. I had isolated myself, thought about taking time to myself, due to all the pain, and it was inevitable as shown by the Tower, I had just delayed it. This old pain and additional events just add to it and I need a change. I’m starting within, trying to understand myself better, why things happened, why I react the way I do as well. I’m essentially very hurt yes but I need to learn, and the universe has given me that confirmation as well. I know and can understand now that this has to happen, or nothing of solid foundation will be created. While it sucks to feel lonely sometimes, I do enjoy my alone time where I can learn more, and become the person I want to be, or align myself with my true values. With regards to job, I definitely don’t see money being everything. I want to make an impact, I want to help inspire others to be strong as well. Tough times are trying, but they help you grow and develop into your best, full self. It is definitely important to focus on staying true to myself first and foremost. I need to allow myself to recognize and only accept what truly makes me happy, because as strong as I am, I also need the same in return sometimes.